An Agnostic in AA
A thought-provoking quote by Bill
In Chapter Four of the Big Book, on page 55 in “We Agnostics,” Bill makes a statement that may be thought-provoking and challenging for any alcoholic who doesn’t believe in or struggles with the traditional idea of God. When I first read it, it stopped me dead in my tracks. I wondered if Bill had made a point that I, as an agnostic, couldn’t easily avoid.
“Deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form or other, it is there. For faith in a Power greater than ourselves, and miraculous demonstrations of that power in human lives, are facts as old as man himself.
We finally saw that faith in some kind of God was part of our make-up, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend.”
(BB “We agnostics” p. 55)
I thought about what Bill had written for a long time. I had to admit that he touched on a profound and powerful existential question. Was he right in his assumption? My mind went back to the very beginnings of humanity, when men still lived in caves. As they sat and gazed up at the stars at night, their burial rituals provided clear evidence of a belief in an afterlife. If they believed they had a soul, did they also think that there was a power greater than themselves to which their souls would return? Could Bill be right when he suggested that “faith in a power greater than ourselves” is a “fact as old as man himself”? Could it be that “faith in some kind of God was part of our make-up”?
Early life experiences
Looking back at my own childhood, I certainly had negative experiences with religion and religious people. Raised in very strict foster care by devout Catholics, contrary to God’s love, all I knew growing up was cruelty, coldness, and rejection.
Moving on, I was educated at a Catholic boarding school for boys. It was run by an order of priests. Heavy doses of religious education and rituals were the norm. The atmosphere was cold and strict, with physical punishments for those who did not adhere to their strict Christian values.
In my impressionable mind, this struck me as total hypocrisy. These same people who were so cold and punitive were teaching us about the love and compassion of Jesus. Enough was enough. My agnosticism had now been fully ignited. We were indoctrinated with a God of fear, of hell and eternal damnation, indeed not of a loving God that I could ever come to trust.
Returning to Bill’s quote:
“Deep down in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity,”
Whatever idea of God I may have had was not only “obscured” by my experiences with religion and the religiosity of people, but by the time I was ten years old, it was all but extinguished.
An angry agnostic arrives in AA
When I arrived in AA and saw the 12 steps, I was still full of prejudice against God and all things religious. In my mind, God was a Catholic God. The “God” word was too charged with the religiosity of my youth. It wasn’t for me, so I decided not to get a sponsor or follow the steps. This was a big mistake on my part.
With such a dismissive attitude, I continued to relapse for a long time. I tried talk therapies, and they didn’t keep me sober either. Somewhere along the line, I realized that a spiritual awakening was, in all likelihood, the only answer to my drinking problem.
Whenever I attended an AA meeting, I would hear the reading from Chapter Five of the Big Book. “Rarely have we seen a person fail,”……. The reading would end with the “three pertinent ideas“ on page 60 of the Big Book.
A. That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
B. That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
C. That God could and would if he were sought.
As a serial relapser in AA, who couldn’t help relapsing, I felt like I was condemned when I heard the pertinent idea C read. How could the God of my childhood relieve my alcoholism?
Then I had a light-bulb moment. In fact, I had two light-bulb moments. They came spontaneously as if from some higher level of consciousness that as yet, had not been revealed.
1. Pertinent idea C says, “God could and would if he were sought,” but it doesn’t say God could and would if He were ‘found.’
2. The clause in step three specifically states “as we understand him.”
Pertinent idea C
When we consider the implications of the way that pertinent idea C is worded, the first thing that becomes apparent is that becoming a seeker is not time-limited. If I haven’t found God by the time I reach step twelve, that’s perfectly fine. In fact, step twelve promises us a spiritual awakening; “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps,” it does not promise us a God awakening.
All that pertinent idea C requires is that we become spiritual seekers. This has been enough to keep me sober. I call it becoming a truth seeker. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, spiritual seekers are really seekers after the truth of existence. They are essentially the same thing. Surely, to discover the ultimate purpose and meaning of life?
The importance of morality, honesty, and integrity? The meaning of love and the importance of kindness to others? Is there life after death? These are existential questions I have wondered about even after rejecting God and religion. Becoming an earnest truth seeker not only keeps me sober but also gives me the time and space to ask my own questions and find my own answers. I need to be satisfied with my progress, knowing I am on the right path. No pressure from the religious fundamentalists!
God “as we understand him”
We owe the “God as we understand him” clause in steps three and eleven to Jim Burwell, who was AA’s first atheist. Please click Jim’s name to read more about Jim Burwell. It was on his insistence that Bill Wilson, author of the Big Book, agreed to include this clause in these pivotal steps of the twelve steps.
This short clause opens up infinite possibilities for those who struggle with a belief in God. When referring to God, if it is reasonable to say, “as we understand him,” then it must be just as sensible to say, ‘as we don’t understand him.’ This personal interpretation of Jim Burwell’s clause has kept me sober, once I agreed to become a spiritual seeker.
Becoming a spiritual seeker
Many years ago, I had a friend in recovery called Eileen. From a traditional Irish background, she was also a recovering Catholic. She was also searching for a spirituality that had meaning for her. Being ethnically and culturally diverse, London is a city rich in every type of spiritual organization imaginable.
At the time, it didn’t matter that we couldn’t find a single spiritual path to follow consistently. Every time we attended a new spiritual fellowship, we would stop obsessing about our own problems and be inspired by new, often rich spiritual ideas we were being exposed to.
I once read a book titled “The Spiritual Tourist” by Mick Brown. Eileen and I became like spiritual tourists. We could have written a book about all the different spiritual fellowships we attended. Some were based on Eastern traditions, while others were Christian; all were interesting and educational. Most importantly for us alcoholics, very much in line with the idea of pertinent idea C – “God could and would if he were sought.”
Eileen and I indeed became full-blown spiritual tourists!
Still an agnostic as an old-timer?
I have now been in AA for 41 years. Could I still be described as an agnostic after all this time? I have been a spiritual seeker for many years, since I understood the full implications of “Pertinent idea C.” The answer to that question is yes and no. When it comes to religion, I am still agnostic. I have never found God in any church, temple, or religious organization. That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe he is there for the members who are faithful to that religion. He isn’t there for me, and that’s all that matters. Nothing else needs to be said.
Over the years, on my spiritual quest, I have learned to trust my intuition and not listen to my alcoholic head, which is so often driven by my ego. My intuition doesn’t lie. It tells me if the truth that gives rise to spiritual power is present or not. When it comes to some of the non-religious spiritual communities I have encountered, they have helped me to connect with a beautiful and creative power. I have felt encouraged, led, and inspired because I have sensed their honesty and open-hearted sincerity.
The spiritual power within
Could it be that religion doesn’t work for me because it teaches an external, authoritarian God that is outside of me? It continuously seems to be watching me and, through the eyes of other religious people, judges every mistake I make. The morality of some of these religions seems impossibly high. It continuously sets people up for failure, leading only to shame and toxic guilt. On the other hand, these smaller, non-religious communities invite you to go within and connect with your true self, absent the ego. This gradual process leads to a greater awareness of your higher self, which, over time, fosters a deeper sense of stillness and inner peace.
In the next blog, I would like to introduce you to some of the non–religious spiritual groups that have been a part of my journey. It is essential to note that I would not have made any progress at all without working on the other steps with an agnostic-friendly sponsor. Joining these spiritual fellowships and studying their ideas has been my way of working steps two, three, and eleven.
In fellowship
Andy F
