Blind Faith
An agnostic arrives at his first AA meeting
When I arrived at AA, my belief system was a mass of contradictions. I certainly didn’t believe in the God of religion. I was, however, intrigued by the power of consciousness. That said, considering that God and a higher power are mentioned in six of the twelve steps, I was in trouble with the program from day one! Believing in the traditional idea of God would have required faith and trust.
As someone who had to survive on the margins of society and lived as a loner, faith, and trust were both qualities I didn’t possess. Yet here I was, a newcomer to AA, being asked to hand my will and my life over to some God or higher power. What was I to do? I couldn’t force myself to have faith. I had no alternative but to keep attending meetings and hope things would improve.
The problem of no faith
At first glance, it seemed impossible to surrender to the twelve steps. The requirement of faith in a higher power must be among the most unacknowledged stumbling blocks in any twelve-step program. For many alcoholics who don’t believe in any supernatural power, initially, for members who have no faith, the AA program can seem impossible.
There is a valid reason why some AA members don’t believe. The dilemma of having no faith usually starts with negative experiences of God and religion in childhood. When I arrived in the fellowship, even though I wanted to, I didn’t ‘believe that any power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.’ (Step Two) Moreover, making “a decision to turn my will and life over to the care of any God” (Step Three) felt insurmountable.
The doctor’s opinion
In the Doctor’s Opinion of the AA Big Book, Dr Silkworth describes the alcoholic’s warped perception of reality. I have often wondered if, in the following remark, the good doctor is not only describing someone who is alcohol dependent, but also people who grew up in the madness of a dysfunctional family.
“They cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false.”
BB – “The Doctor’s Opinion” P. XXV111
An agnostic-friendly sponsor
When, after years of relapse in AA, I finally got the Gift Of Desperation (GOD), it was no longer about trust; it was now about survival. Eventually, my denial collapsed, and so did my ego. I was all out of ideas* about how to stay sober. Faced with the prospect of self-destruction, I had no alternative but to take a leap of blind faith, get a sponsor, and trust his guidance.
Ideas* “Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”
(BB “How it works” p.58)
I got lucky and met David. He was an experienced sponsor who was happy to work with an agnostic.
He was a strict sponsor but also a wise man. David knew the illness inside out. What was truly remarkable about him was that although he was a practicing Catholic, he was enough of a realist to know that many of his sponsees didn’t believe in God. David found a way of working with them so that they would benefit from the program and get well.
Powerful suggestions for an unbeliever
As an agnostic, David suggested I embrace two new ideas.
- He directed me to page 27 of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. In the chapter on Step Two, he got me to read and consider the following passage:
“You can, if you wish, make AA itself your higher power. Here is a very large group of people who have solved their alcohol problem. In this respect, they are certainly a power greater than you, who have not even come close to a solution.”
AA itself was to become a power greater than me. Group Of Drunks (GOD) “Yes, I can do that,” I thought.
- The second idea that David shared with me was revolutionary. I had never heard anything like this before. It was about the decision I was about to make in Step three:
“We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (as we understood him)
David said, “The decision I am suggesting you make is simply an agreement to work through the remaining steps. In step three, don’t worry about God at this stage of your recovery. It’s just a decision to follow direction and work through the first nine steps.” – Good Orderly Direction (GOD).
Clearing away the wreckage of the past
Using AA itself and David’s immense sponsorship experience as powers greater than me, I went through the program as an unbeliever. The steps “cleared away the wreckage of the past” (BB, p. 164). It was amazing! Steps four and five freed me from a lifetime of fear, blame, and resentment. Most importantly, they also dismantled a victim’s belief system that had been there since childhood. It’s important to say that seeing myself as a victim condemned me to repeat victim-type patterns in my adult relationships. In many ways, until I did the steps, I was still a wounded child.
I became acquainted with my defects of character and realized that they, not the traumas of my childhood, were the source of much of my suffering. I made amends to my mother, foster mother, and all the other people I had harmed. I found an inner peace that I had never known. Even if I never fully trusted David, I began to trust the process of going through the steps. Why? Because they worked!
I arrived at step twelve and first saw what a spiritual awakening could be for me, an agnostic. It wasn’t a God awakening, but that didn’t matter. I realized that one is not necessarily dependent on the other.
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
A secular spirituality
Today, I have found a secular spirituality. What an incredible and fulfilling journey this is turning out to be!
I want to leave you with a quote from Carl Jung, world-famous psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology. It encapsulates the power of the Twelve Steps without having to believe in a monotheistic God.
“The unconscious always tries to produce an impossible situation in order to force the individual to bring out his very best. Otherwise, one stops short of one’s best, is not complete, and does not realize oneself. What is needed is an impossible situation (Step one) where one has to renounce one’s own will and one’s own wit (Steps two and three) and do nothing but wait and trust to the impersonal power of growth and development”. (Steps four to twelve)
Carl Jung
In fellowship
Andy F
