Family Constellations
An alcoholic in therapy
Unquestionably, ten years of talk therapy while trying to stay sober was a challenging period in my recovery. Exploring early life events served only to re-stimulate the traumas of my childhood. I didn’t find out until 25 years later that I had C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Perhaps that is why talk therapies didn’t work for me. Delving into childhood issues was too overwhelming. In those days, they didn’t have therapies such as EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or trauma-focused CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
What I found especially demoralizing about talk therapies was that they didn’t seem to offer any solutions I could use. This failure wasn’t the fault of treatment. Talking about my childhood in conventional therapy was not an appropriate intervention for someone with the trauma that I carried.
Dwelling too much on the problem
My mother sensed that therapy was doing me more harm than good. “Why do you keep picking at your wounds in therapy? They will heal if you don’t keep talking about your childhood.” She was partly right. I would have been much better off doing a fourth and fifth step with a sponsor at that time.
I fully acknowledge that we are all different. In my early days, I was too raw to benefit from any psychotherapy. In hindsight, I needed the Good Orderly Direction (Acronym for GOD) of a sponsor. Some years later, when I was ready, I did benefit from one type of therapy that I would like to talk about in this blog.
Life after therapy
Walking away from these talk therapies was the best thing I could have done. I began to make significant progress with a sponsor. He gave me six daily suggestions before even starting me on the steps. They worked to help balance dramatic mood swings and negative emotions.
Several years into recovery, a friend in AA told me about a therapy called family constellations. Her early history was as traumatic as mine. She reported spectacular results. Even though I promised myself never to do any therapy outside of AA, I became very intrigued by what she had to say.
It sounded too good to be true. After a few weekend workshops, my friend said she had let go of the heavy guilt that she carried since childhood. She suddenly felt free. I continued working with my sponsor and booked a place on a family constellations weekend workshop.
What is a family constellations workshop?
Family constellations are about freeing yourself from damaging unconscious agreements with family members. Sometimes, these inherited unconscious agreements get passed down from generation to generation.
Many alcoholics and addicts internalize these cross-generational traumas. Their lives in recovery can be tricky until the legacy of growing up in a dysfunctional family is faced, felt, and released. Adult children from these families often act out self-defeating patterns without having any awareness of why this is happening.
These inherited conflicts can hinder a person’s capacity to succeed in life. This was true in my life, especially regarding success in career objectives, finance, social integration, and relationships.
When I got willing and desperate enough to take the steps, I became aware of my character defects and how destructive they were. That said, unconscious conditioning from my family of origin also made it very difficult to create a worthwhile life in recovery.
Unquestionably, steps four and five freed me from a lot of internal baggage. Through family constellations, I gradually learned that my stepwork wasn’t enough. Family constellations helped me achieve a new level of healing and integration. In the group, I reached aspects of my psyche hidden in my subconscious. These were the deep-seated issues that the twelve steps were unable to reach.
A short history
Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist, founded family constellations. Many therapists consider them a cutting-edge healing modality. They harness energies beyond the scope of known science. Family constellations focus on moving and resolving cross-generational family traumas. These unresolved and hidden issues frequently paralyze people’s capacity to realize their full potential.
“Practitioners claim that present-day problems and difficulties may be influenced by traumas suffered in previous generations of the family, even if those affected are unaware of the original event. Hellinger referred to the relation between present and past problems that are not caused by direct personal experience as systemic entanglements, said to occur when unresolved trauma has afflicted a family through an event such as murder, suicide, death of a mother in childbirth, early death of a parent or sibling, war, natural disaster, emigration, or abuse.”
Wikipedia
A therapy invoking mysticism and shamanism
This model of therapy is not as yet evidence-based. Literature about this type of therapy suggests that it isn’t for everyone. After years of talk therapies, I was ready. My emotions were now close to the surface. It was the most cathartic and healing process I have ever done.
Family constellations are comparable to modern-day Shamanism. This has given them a decidedly spiritual quality. The success of this work depends on uncovering hidden blocks in a group setting. Although it remains outside the boundaries of professional psychology, this doesn’t make it any less effective.
Family constellations harness the power of Carl Jung’s collective unconscious.* It also draws on the work of Rubert Sheldrake’s. This brilliant academic devoted his life to studying morphic resonance. His theories are genuinely fascinating!
*Collective unconscious – is a concept in Jungian psychology that describes a shared, inherited part of the human psyche. Wikipedia
The group dynamic led by a trained facilitator creates an energy field that extends back through past generations, where inherited family wounds first occurred. These events are subconsciously passed down from generation to generation. This raises an essential question: Could it be that we carry within us and even act out the traumas of our ancestors?
A personal journey into family constellations
Besides my all-important step work, family constellations also played a pivotal role in my recovery. Over a few months, I participated in about six to eight w/e workshops. The facilitator would create a sculpture of a person’s family using the other group members as representatives.
I had various trained facilitators, and I was utterly amazed at their skills in making interventions. They were often appropriate and led to cathartic healing. Did they know what they were doing, or did intuition guide them? I don’t know.
During one particular weekend, I was set free from a damaging unconscious agreement I had with my mother since childhood. After that, my relationships with women began to improve.
“The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”
(12&12 Step four – p 53
Combination therapy: – Steps and family constellations
My progress in recovery from addiction resulted from step work with a sponsor as well as family constellations work. I felt strongly that group therapy had a powerful spiritual component. After all, page after page, the AA literature seems to confirm that alcoholism, at its core, is a spiritual illness.
It made perfect sense that the spiritual component of family constellations was influential in healing what AA calls “The spiritual malady.” (BB p. 64) These were deep-seated traumas that were below the level of consciousness. I had carried them inside of me since childhood. This work harnesses unseen energies that we don’t fully understand yet. This journey was, for me, an intensely spiritual experience. A belief in a monotheistic God was unnecessary to benefit from the healing power of this unique type of therapy.
The fruit of this therapeutic work
I met my current partner when I was sixty. It is the first healthy relationship I have ever had. We have been together for over ten years. It is beautiful, fulfilling, and based on a love locked away within me for many years.
I also began to overcome a pattern of chronic underachieving. I have fulfilled a lifelong dream of writing a book. It’s about my journey out of alcohol and drug addiction. None of these things would have been possible without doing the work of inner change.
A powerful resource for alcoholics and addicts
I think family constellations could help so many addicts and alcoholics in recovery realize their hopes and dreams. It is a healing modality that remains relatively unknown in the twelve-step community.
In recent times, I have become friendly with several people in recovery. They were all raised in dysfunctional families. They have suffered terribly with unresolved trauma carried into recovery. I suggested they try family constellations in conjunction with their step work.
What is interesting is that they are practicing Catholics. Shockingly, they have all been discouraged from participating in family constellations. The church sees this alternative therapy as a form of witchcraft or shamanism. Members of the clergy told them that this type of therapy is from the devil and ought to be avoided at all costs.
Yet, the truth is that I received great healing from this work. I could not believe my ears. How could something so transformative and life-giving be branded as evil? I grew up in the fear-driven religiosity of the church. It’s hardly surprising that I became an agnostic.
In fellowship
Andy F
