How to Get Back to AA Safely: 5 Steps to Protect Your Sobriety

Walking away from meetings

In this blog, I would like to discuss a phenomenon I have experienced several times in recovery. It is by no means unique to me. From what I have observed, it is quite common, even amongst members with long-term sobriety. It is the decision, at a certain point in recovery, to walk away from the fellowship. Not necessarily to drink again, but for a whole host of other reasons that seem reasonable at the time. In this blog, I can, of course, only share my own subjective experience over 42 years in the fellowship. I have stopped coming to meetings about half a dozen times.

In my case, going AWOL from the fellowship sometimes ended in relapse and sometimes not. Over the years, I came up with what I thought were so many valid reasons why I should walk away from AA that, in themselves, they offer enough material for a separate blog. For this blog, let’s say I decided to cross the bridge to normal living. At the time, the only way I knew how to do this was to do my utmost to burn the bridge back to AA behind me.

The fellowship’s official party line on leaving AA

No matter how long an AA member is sober, to walk away from the fellowship and to stop attending meetings is considered a very radical decision. From the point of view of treating our dis-ease spiritually, it is even dangerous.

‘It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”

BB “Into Action” p. 85

Most alcoholics who have an awareness of the nature of their alcoholism will freely admit that, putting to one side their addiction to alcohol, they are suffering from a spiritual illness. To treat it successfully, they must devote their lives to the support and service of other alcoholics. This service is primarily rendered to newcomers who come to AA with a desire to stop drinking. This spiritual mandate is very difficult to achieve unless the AA member is regularly attending meetings and carrying a message of recovery to the alcoholic who still suffers.

“Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.”

BB “There is a solution” p.20

First Step. Coming Home

After I decided to return to meetings and my period of rebellion was over, it proved surprisingly difficult to return to AA. The longer my absence, the more frightened and alienated I felt. It was like being a newcomer all over again. To break the ice of coming back, I found it best to sit at the front of the meeting, near the secretary and the speaker. As soon as the secretary opened the meeting for sharing, I would put my hand up and then would say something like: “Hi guys, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting. I need to connect with the meeting and claim my seat.” Once I do that and have broken the ice, I make sure to share at every meeting to ‘get current.’

In some ways, it was easier to return and reconnect with the fellowship after a relapse. The group sees it as important that the returning alcoholic shares their relapse honestly. This has always helped me reconnect with the fellowship. They say that isolation is a big feature of our illness. I felt especially lonely and isolated following a relapse. It was so important to share it with the meeting. I never felt judged. On the contrary, I felt loved and accepted. In AA we don’t shoot our wounded. As someone who walked away from AA and came back, both as a relapser and someone who left because I thought I had now recovered, it is surprisingly difficult to climb back into the AA lifeboat. Once past the initial hurdle, I found it necessary to take several other steps to start getting stable again. I have found that I have always deteriorated mentally and emotionally whenever I have stopped going to meetings. Amazingly, this has been true even if I didn’t pick up a drink!

Second Step – Back to Basics

Sharing at a meeting after a period of absence or a relapse has sometimes been insufficient to make that vital connection to start benefiting from the mental and spiritual dialysis of an AA meeting. I need to feel a real sense of belonging for AA to begin to work its magic. I once heard an expression at a meeting that beautifully describes what is required to achieve this sense of connection. After a relapse, an old-timer took me aside and said to me. “Your job, Andy, is to get back into the middle of the AA bed.” I know that this doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone. Still, I sometimes felt so socially marginalized and isolated that I had to take some fairly radical actions to feel part of the group again. Quite literally, even though I sometimes had years in AA, I had to treat myself as a newcomer.

• 90 meetings in 90 days
• At least one weekly service commitment at a meeting. This meeting would become my home group.
• Write a daily gratitude list
• In the morning, read from the Big Book Daily “On awakening.” Chapter 6 ‘Into Action’
• In the evening, read from the Big Book Daily “When we retire at night,” Chapter 6 ‘Into Action’
• Call two newcomers and ask them how they are doing.

It is important to remember that the alcoholic illness afflicts us in different ways and to different degrees. I was someone whose default state was to be isolated, anxious, and a bit paranoid around people. These simple actions, when returning to AA, would help me to reintegrate and belong. It works if you work it. It was all about becoming part of the herd again. I spent a lifetime drinking on the margins of society, so becoming a member of a social group was initially a challenge.

Third Step – Engage in meaningful social activities outside of AA

Being an all-or-nothing type of guy, I didn’t know much about balance. If I was returning to AA and an old-timer told me to get into the middle of the AA bed, I would take that literally. I would do nothing but meetings. Then I gradually learned that it was important that I find a balance. Friends suggested that I sign up for courses and social activities clubs outside of AA. I realized it wasn’t healthy to make AA my only source of human contact. It was important that I also surround myself with normal people and do normal social activities.

Although initially challenging, I signed up for a course in practical philosophy. As well as that, I also joined several hiking groups. We would meet at a designated spot on the weekends with our trekking poles and backpacks and do anything from a 10- to 20-mile trek in one day. These hikes were immensely enjoyable. I realized on these hikes that AAs aren’t the only ones with problems. Normal people have problems too. In fact, it became apparent that we alcoholics don’t have a monopoly on being wounded. We are living on a wounded planet. Everyone is wounded. That somehow made me feel less alienated from the human race. Perhaps that’s what AA means by ‘a bridge to normal living.’

Fourth Step – Get a new sponsor

As someone who kept on disappearing from AA, it could be argued that I didn’t have a very solid grasp of step one. Of course, I am only speaking for myself, but as an AA member who had the habit of walking away from AA, I don’t think I ever truly surrendered to the unmanageability of my life; otherwise, why would I keep finding fault with a program that is working successfully for millions of alcoholics? My pattern of periodically leaving the fellowship may well have suggested that I was still running on “Self-will” (Step Three) and needed to become more teachable.

In that sense, you could say that each time I walked away and came back, my surrender to Step One was more honest. In many ways, my journey to complete defeat was gradual and incremental.

“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one.”  

12&12 “Step One” p.5

Making a healthy choice

I have learned something helpful to my recovery from most of my sponsors, but I also made one or two mistakes when choosing a step guide. While I was trying to fit back into meetings, I would get desperate to get back on the program. This made me reckless and impatient when choosing a sponsor. Rather than wait and bide my time until I met the right person, I would invariably make an impulsive choice. These choices that lacked discernment would sometimes harm my recovery. The truth is that there are some very troubled people in AA. Strangely, some of them sound very good at meetings.

Some members have narcissistic tendencies and, although initially very convincing, can actually cause a lot of psychological damage to an unsuspecting sponsee. I also remember once, after a long absence from AA, I was so keen to get stable again that I ended up in a cult-like splinter group. There they practiced a brand of AA that was very extreme in its religiosity. It was very rigid and controlling, which I also found unhealthy. That said, every time I came back to AA, especially after a relapse, it was important to reintegrate into the fellowship and surrender myself to the guidance of a sponsor. A healthy choice was of paramount importance.

Fifth Step – Working with others

“Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.”

BB “Working with Others,” p.89

This powerful statement opens Chapter 7 of the Big Book, ‘Working with Others’. As far as immunity from not drinking is concerned, I have no doubt this statement is absolutely correct. The people in AA who have stable long-term sobriety live lives of service to the alcoholic who still suffers. It has been many years since I last felt dissatisfied with the fellowship and the need to stop attending meetings. That’s true even when I have resentments toward certain members in meetings and feel uncomfortable around them. Why? Because I have finally found a good enough reason to stay. It is a reason that has been a source of great happiness and contentment. That reason is sponsoring other members.

Once we had completed the first nine steps, my last sponsor encouraged me to start sponsoring newcomers. He taught me how he does it and gave me some helpful tips. It wasn’t long before I was sponsoring a couple of guys. I made a lot of mistakes at first, but gradually, I began to see results. The 12 steps, which I offered to other agnostics in an agnostic-friendly way, began to transform the lives of some, if not all, of my sponsees. To see these transformations was like magic. Seeing my sponsees sponsor others and help them to get well is a priceless gift.

I haven’t relapsed now for twenty-nine years and have had no desire to stop going to meetings. In terms of happiness, ongoing joy, and freedom, everything I have ever looked for in life is right here in Alcoholics Anonymous.

In fellowship

Andy F