How to Handle Unsolicited Advice in AA Meetings
The purpose of my books and blogs
As an old-timer and agnostic in AA, I set pen to paper many years ago to try to save agnostic and atheist newcomers from making the same mistakes in recovery that I made. Believe me, I made as many serious mistakes with the AA program as anyone could make. Some of these were related to my prejudice against the word “God” and a higher power. Others were related to my defiance of anything that I perceived as authority. It was my way or no way! I became a serial relapser.
A complete rejection of the suggestions offered in AA almost cost me my life. Eventually, when I got the Gift Of Desperation, (GOD), I found an agnostic-friendly sponsor and was shown a way to go through the steps as an agnostic. It worked. Today, I am approaching thirty years of sobriety. This would have been forty-three if I had a little bit more “willingness, honesty, and open-mindedness,” (BB Spiritual Experience p. 568).
When I emerged from my thirteen years of relapse in AA and started to get well, I wanted to help newcomers avoid the pain of making the same mistakes I did. I will always try to reach out to members who are coming back from a relapse or a damaging relationship. Lord knows, I’ve had enough of both! Although I still don’t believe in the religious idea of a monotheistic God, AA has become for me a spiritual, not religious, program. Its primary purpose is to carry a message of hope to the alcoholic who still suffers.
“I am responsible when anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help; I want the hand of AA always to be there, and for that I am responsible.”
AA responsibility pledge
Losing Newcomers
Time and time again, you hear stories of alcoholics returning to AA after going back out drinking. Many members walk away from AA and start drinking again for different reasons. Some say they left because they couldn’t get their heads around God and a higher power. Boy, can I relate to that during my relapse years. Others leave because they are given unsolicited advice and unkind, often untrue information about themselves based on what they shared at a meeting.
This blog addresses a topic that needs to be discussed in the fellowship, especially within hardcore fundamentalist groups. I have seen newcomers get very upset and harbor strong resentment toward certain members. Newcomers don’t always feel equipped to deal with these resentments. The Big Book of AA teaches that our spiritual ethos toward one another in recovery should be grounded in love and tolerance. On page 84, Bill tells us that,
“Love and tolerance of others is our code.”
BB “Into Action” p.84
Sadly, at some meetings, newcomers neither experience love nor tolerance from certain members.
Unsolicited advice
It’s hard enough for newcomers to open up in an AA meeting. Public speaking is a challenge for some people, especially when they are newly sober. However, they may still be approached by a more senior member after the meeting and given feedback and advice they did not ask for. This unsolicited feedback is not always empathetic or helpful. On the contrary, it can be judgmental, controlling, and even coercive. At times, it can be patronizing, even condescending, leaving an oversensitive newcomer angry and upset. Of course, it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.
This kind of experience can sadly propel the newcomer right out the door of AA and, in all likelihood, back to the bottle. One way to understand this anti-social behavior is to recognize that AA is full of sick and disturbed people. Nevertheless, there is no excuse for these behaviors in AA. They go against everything our fellowship stands for and the therapeutic values that make it such an effective agent for positive change.
“We do talk about each other” (and to each other) “a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance”
BB “The Family Afterward,” p.125
Is there a solution?
Over the years, one thing has become clear to me, from observing others and from experiencing my own illness. At the very heart of untreated alcoholism, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, is the maladapted alcoholic ego. It is the malignant tumor of our disease, which many in AA have called a disease of perception. A blown-up, out-of-control ego is unpleasant in anyone. All the more so in an alcoholic with a whole repertoire of character defects to make their personality even harder to deal with.
There are too many people in AA with untreated alcoholism to expect a blog like this to change their behavior toward newcomers. However, there is something that can help a newcomer reading this blog. It’s not something that I came up with; it’s something that an old sponsor of mine, Jamie, came up with. It has stood me in good stead over the years. It is a statement he taught me that fully aligns with the principles of AA and the Twelve Traditions.
I encourage every newcomer to read it several times, consider its truth, and remember it the next time someone in AA tries to give you unasked-for advice. The central message is simple: The only advice you ask for is information that you are actively seeking an answer to.
“No one in AA is qualified to give you advice about anything unless you ask for it.”
If someone starts to tell you about yourself or starts to give you unsolicited advice, you can simply respond by saying:
“I’m sorry, I only take advice from people in AA when I ask for it.
Stay safe,
Andy F
