Meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous
“Meeting makers make it”
When I was new, “Meeting makers make it” was the slogan that I frequently heard in Alcoholics Anonymous. The question is, how true is it? After 40 years, I consider it one of the most essential questions in AA. Is recovery from alcoholism dependent on going to lots of meetings, or is it something else? There are conflicting opinions about this question. The answers you are likely to hear vary considerably. One camp passionately believes that recovery requires being firmly in the middle of the AA bed. The other camp will tell you that getting well depends on working the twelve steps and not full-on meetings.
The 90 in 90 suggestion
The most crucial suggestion newcomers are likely to hear after putting down the alcohol is to attend daily for the first three months. 90 meetings in 90 days is unquestionably sound advice. It is well-known among psychologists that replacing a bad habit (drinking) with a good one (meetings) takes about 90 days. This suggestion continues to work for almost every alcoholic who comes to AA.
As a newcomer, I was often disturbed and unstable. With my washing machine head, the group was the only place I knew I wasn’t alone. For a long time after putting down the alcohol, I suffered from extreme mood swings, panic attacks, and overwhelming emotions. Daily meeting attendance was the only thing that prevented me from losing the plot altogether.
The elite of the mentally ill
You sometimes hear the humorous one-liner that “alcoholics are the elite of the mentally ill.” My mental health was fragile when I first got sober. A sponsor once told me that AA is essentially a psychiatric hospital. How true this was in my case. For those of us with co-existing mental health issues, the fellowship is one of the few places where we don’t feel stigmatized. You can be as crazy as a June bug in AA, and we will still love you.
I, for one, was so marginalized from mainstream society that without alcohol, I felt too raw and frightened to feel comfortable anywhere but in my home group. As a newcomer, I kept making self-defeating choices. I went through a period in which I had one bad relationship after another. Meetings were the only place in the world where I could deal with splitting up with these girlfriends. As exaggerated as this may sound, I have been known to attend three or four meetings a day after a breakup. The same applied when my mother passed away.
I came into recovery with unresolved abandonment trauma from childhood. When ending a relationship, I felt so overwhelmed that it sometimes took three or four meetings a day to prevent me from reaching for the first drink.
No such thing as a bad AA meeting
Another slogan I used to hear was, ‘There’s no such thing as a bad AA meeting,’ which was certainly true in my early days. Good or bad, I needed every meeting I went to. They all served as lifeboats. Without the fellowship, I’m sure I would have drowned in a sea of alcohol. So, is there such a thing as a bad meeting? If so, how does it differ from a good meeting? Can specific groups be harmful to your recovery? Can the more disciplined and structured groups facilitate a path to a more stable and happy sobriety?
For the longest time, I felt safer in an environment where people talked about their feelings. They were like group therapy. When my butt was on fire, as it frequently was, I felt more comfortable in the doom-and-gloom meetings. To this day, I am grateful for those meetings. They were the only place I felt understood when I was between a rock and a hard place.
A dual-diagnosis alcoholic
For many years, I was so unwell that I had a lot of counseling and therapy. During this period, I didn’t have a sponsor and didn’t work the steps. It was about this time that I received a new diagnosis. My psychiatrist informed me that I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
My symptoms in those days had all the characteristics of a full-on ‘dry drunk.’ It’s an expression you frequently hear in AA. It describes someone who is dry from alcohol but has not treated the “causes and conditions” (BB p.64) of their alcoholism.
My truth was that I had this new diagnosis for which I had to take antidepressants. Suppose you read the diagnostic criteria of BPD. In that case, the symptoms are strikingly similar to how many AAs would describe a dry drunk. Not to digress, but I even had a therapist once who believed that most alcoholics and addicts are somewhere on the borderline spectrum.
Learning to live in the solution and not the problem
After many years of misery and relapse, I ended up asking for help from a sponsor. David B was hardcore AA. He founded the controversial “Vision for You” groups in London. They were known simply as “The Vision.” David’s style of sponsorship required an unconditional willingness to follow his suggestions.
In stark contrast to therapy, he wasn’t interested in hearing about feelings. “Take my suggestions, lad, and you will feel better.” What other choice did I have? It’s not out of the question that the ‘doom and gloom’ meetings may have kept me alive long enough until I met David. I was ready for the Good Orderly Direction (Acronym for GOD) I got from him.
“The Vision“ groups were highly structured and disciplined. They were like a military boot camp. Every time I wanted to tell David about how much I was suffering, he would cut me short and tell me I was whining. “Don’t whine to me, lad; write a gratitude list and call a newcomer.”
In “The Vision,” negative sharing is seen as self-pity and heavily discouraged. After the meeting, you were taken aside and asked exactly how you helped the newcomer with this type of sharing. David made it clear that the only purpose of speaking up at a meeting was to convey a positive message to the new member.
Good versus bad meetings
So, what was David’s opinion regarding what he saw as the difference between a good and bad meeting? He felt that the “doom and gloom” meetings were harmful because they condemned alcoholics to continue living in their problems. In the structured “Vision” groups, everyone had to have a step sponsor, take daily suggestions, and have at least two service commitments. In David’s mind, recovery was all about taking the suggested actions, which he saw as living in the solution.
Now, I don’t know for sure if I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder or if I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. However, I do not doubt that the type of sponsorship I got from David saved my life. His suggestions began to free me from a lifetime of being overwhelmed by my problems.* Since childhood, it was the only way of life I had ever known.
*“We have been talking about problems because we were problem people who have found a way up and out, and who wish to share our knowledge of that way with all who can use it.”
12&12 Step Twelve, p. 125
A new sponsor
By the time I met my next sponsor, I had slipped into depression again. To help me cope, I was attending two groups a day. “Witek” (pronounced “Vitek” is his name.) He quickly pointed out that I was attending too many meetings. The last thing I expected to hear from a sponsor was that I was doing too much AA! He was right. I was living in the fellowship again.
He then shared something fundamental that I have never forgotten. Alcoholics get well through the spiritual (not religious) program of action and not by living in AA. He suggested I don’t attend more than two weekly meetings.
The withdrawal symptoms from excessive meetings were harsh at first. Finding activities outside of the twelve-step community was interesting. Of course, with the years I had already been in AA, his suggestion was spot on. As someone with an addictive personality, I have discovered that all unhealthy dependencies are harmful to my recovery.
It works if you work it
What has been my experience regarding the slogan, “meeting makers make it’? Initially, yes. Later on, that very same motto can turn around and bite you on the butt. I learned to reduce my meetings and increase my efforts to work with others. The day came when I became a sponsor and began taking members through the steps. The time I spend working with sponsees has been much more effective in treating my illness than going to lots of meetings.
“Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers, depend on our constant thought of others and how we may help to meet their needs.”
(BB “There is a solution” p. 20)
The camaraderie of the AA group is awesome. I always look forward to seeing my AA buddies and supporting newcomers. Over the years, however, I have needed different doses of meetings at various times. I have had to learn and internalize the following well-worn slogan: “AA is a bridge to normal living.”
In fellowship,
Andy F
