Overcoming Repeated Relapses in AA and Finding Lasting Sobriety

A newcomer with poor mental health

When I first arrived in AA, after seventeen years of drinking, I quickly fell into a groove of daily meetings and was confident I would never drink again. You guys became my support group and higher power. Much to my surprise, I never experienced cravings or a compulsion to drink. “This is easy,” I thought. All I had to do was keep going to meetings, get phone numbers, and make new friends. Initially, my separation from alcohol wasn’t too difficult.

I’d like to be able to tell you that after joining the fellowship, I lived happily ever after, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Although I rarely thought about alcohol, I was very mentally unstable. Paralyzing fear had me firmly in its grip, and I felt “restless, irritable, and discontented” (BB – The doctor’s opinion) most of the time. Alcohol had been the glue that held me together. Without it, I barely managed to hold it together. I went to meetings, and all I could do was share about the pain of life without alcohol. For a long time, it did at least keep me from picking up the first drink. Sponsorship and steps were not for me. No alcoholic was going to tell me what to do, nor was anyone in AA going to try to convert me to God or some higher power. I got myself a therapist and used meetings like group therapy.

A serial relapser for over a decade

Life on life’s terms without alcohol was proving very challenging.. I was so mentally and emotionally unstable that I was only able to cope with some part-time casual work. I had my doctor write me off as suffering from depression and anxiety. He prescribed antidepressants. I was dependent on them for many years. Finally, the day came when I got a big resentment at a meeting. I got up, walked out, and, on my way home, stopped at the liquor store and bought a bottle. Despite remaining in weekly therapy and attending meetings every day, I relapsed repeatedly for the next thirteen years. I, who was so confident that I would never drink again, was driven to a place so accurately described in the AA Big Book.

“Once more: the alcoholic, at certain times, has no effective mental defense against the first drink.”

BB “More about alcoholism” p. 43

Now, as I look back at my long list of relapses, I can tell you unequivocally that resentment (blame), fear, and self-pity were always the cause of these relapses. No amount of therapy or dumping my feelings at meetings was sufficient to protect me from the first drink. When I got a bit more honest, I came to admit that I was on a “dry drunk” during the long and sometimes agonizing periods between relapses. Chasing relationships, sex and money didn’t save me. The gnawing emptiness and loneliness that accompanied me daily were always matched by resentment and self-pity. I would always be brought to my knees and end up seeking relief in alcohol. The Big Book is right:

“Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.”

BB “How it Works” p. 64

Bill Wilson

I have always felt a deep affinity with Bill Wilson, the co-founder of AA. Like me, in his early recovery, he, too, was mentally and emotionally unstable.

“During the first four years of my recovery, I found it necessary to seek professional help, since my emotional health was extremely poor.”

“As Bill Sees It”- p. 285. © Copyright 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

In Bill’s story in the Big Book, he makes a comment that has always been a source of great hope and inspiration. Just before he gives up drinking for the last time, he finds himself in the darkest place he has ever been. He says:

“How dark it is before the dawn.”

BB “Bill’s Story” p.8

Two Top-Gun Sponsors

Towards the end of my thirteen-year period of serial relapsing, like Bill, I, too, found myself in the darkest place I had ever been. In desperation, I asked David B to be my sponsor. He agreed and immediately put me on a list of daily suggestions I had to perform without fail. Shortly after that, I embarked on a journey through the twelve steps. He took me through them, being mindful that I was an agnostic. Amazingly, I gradually began to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Although he did let me go because I relapsed once or twice, I continued with the program with Jamie M, who was also happy to work with me as an agnostic.

Jamie encouraged me to write a “fearless and thorough” (BB “How it works” p.58) moral inventory. Steps four and five were game-changers in my recovery. I never relapsed again after those two steps. It was as if someone had put a large spoon inside the top of my head and scooped out a lifetime of resentment and fear that had been embedded in my brain. I found it the most freeing and liberating process I have ever gone through. It didn’t happen all at once but gradually, as time passed; it kept getting better and better. I was finally becoming “happy, joyous, and free” (BB “The Family Afterward,” P. 133)

It has now been twenty-nine years since my last relapse, thanks to two top-gun, agnostic-friendly sponsors and the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

In fellowship

Andy F