Overcoming the Fear of AA Step 4: Your Moral Inventory Guide

Addicted to therapy

Despite remaining an agnostic and having a bad attitude toward the 12 steps due to frequent references to the “God” word, after thirteen years of relapse in AA, I was left with no other option but to give the 12 steps my best shot. Furthermore, ten years of intensive therapy failed to keep me sober.

Although I was going to meetings daily, I remained so angry and bitter that I kept reaching for a drink for relief. With this emotional turmoil, the plain truth was that despite my prejudice towards God and religion, I was also frightened of the steps. This was especially true of Step Four.

An agnostic-friendly sponsor

Before destroying myself with alcohol or taking my own life, and after several unfortunate experiences with sponsors, I got lucky and found someone who was happy to take me on as an agnostic. He was a seasoned old-timer who, although himself a practicing Catholic, was happy to sponsor alkies who didn’t believe in God. He told me to use AA itself as a power greater than me: – Group Of Drunks. That was my Step Two.

Then he said that for the time being, the “decision” I was making in Step Three was merely a decision to work through the rest of the steps: Good Orderly Direction. “We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Good Orderly Direction.” (Step Three)

Facing the Fourth Step

Then he put me on Step four. I really had no options left. The resentments in my head were killing me. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that without alcohol to kill the pain, I was frequently homicidal and suicidal. After thirteen years of relapse, I am now twenty-nine years happily sober.

My testimony is this: Though I remained an unbeliever in the traditional idea of God, Step Four did in three months what ten years of therapy could not: it saved my life. In fact, before Step Four, I didn’t really have a life worth living. More accurately, Step Four not only saved my life but gave me a life.

Becoming a sponsor

I did as my sponsor suggested and used AA as my Higher Power. His experience, strength, and hope also became powers greater than me. The results were absolutely spectacular! I found peace and happiness for the first time in my life. My sponsor made it clear that the only way to sustain this newfound happiness was to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. He encouraged me to begin sponsoring other agnostics and atheists as soon as I completed my Step Nine amends.

I soon began sponsoring a couple of guys and discovered that when I offered this kind of service with “love and tolerance” (BB “Into Action” p. 84), I felt fulfilled and profoundly happy. After a while, I began to feel comfortable describing the effects of my sponsorship work as a spiritual awakening – a non-God-centered spiritual awakening.

Working with others

As I gained experience as a sponsor, I began attracting more people who wanted to go through the steps. Perhaps because I had been a serial relapser, the people who came to me were people who had sponsors before but had either relapsed or were still struggling mentally and emotionally.

When we arrived at Step Four, I often felt frustrated when they told me how they were shown to do it. It bore no resemblance to how Bill Wilson describes it in the Big Book. I, too, had been shown various ways of doing step four that are not in the Big Book. Needless to say, none of these methods helped much to relieve the madness in my head, and I would invariably get drunk again.

My sponsor once told me that the purpose of the fourth step was to “let go of the victim belief system.” During my work on Steps Four and Five, I realized it was this exact victim belief system—especially about my childhood—that was the main source of my misery and a main relapse trigger.

Bill’s Step Four as described in the Big Book

Step Four is described in detail in Chapter Five of the Big Book, “How it Works.” The reading starts on page 64. “Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory.” On the facing page (page 65), you will find a diagram showing three columns. Some people in AA have mistakenly concluded that Step Four is in three columns. This conclusion is erroneous. As I will illustrate, this is only half of the inventory. The full Step Four is explained on page 67 with the following paragraph.

“Referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.”

BB ‘How It Works’ p. 67

Step Four Template

Below is an example of the format I was shown. I have found this to be the most effective method for doing step four. It follows the specific instructions on pages 65-68 of the Big Book (4th edition).

Step Four, as described in Chapter 5 of the Big Book

First column

I am resentful at…… The object of my resentment: The person(s), place, thing, situation, institution, and/or principle I resent. Included in this list are resentments I had towards God (whether I believe in him or not) and, as importantly, resentments against myself.

Second column:

The cause……What did they do? The specific harm they caused me. — Real or imagined.

Third column:

Affects my……In column three, I got to discover what part of me, and my instincts, were threatened by the person, place, thing, or institution I resented. The six areas described in Chapter 5 are:

1. Self Esteem (Sense of self or self-worth)

• Personal Relations (Any relations of a non-sexual nature)

• Sex Relations —all my sex relations or even a sexual fantasy. Was there a hidden romantic and/or sexual agenda when taking this resentment?

• Ambition. Were any hopes, dreams, aspirations, intentions or ambitions threatened or destroyed?

• Security. Was my sense of emotional and/or social security threatened?

• Pocket Book. Was money involved? The fear of losing money or not getting money.

These instincts are described on pages 64 and 65 of the Big Book

Fourth column

Moving on to the paragraph “Referring to our list again” on page 67 of the Big Book (4th edition), Bill is inviting us to answer these five questions:

1.   Where was I selfish?
2.   Where was I dishonest?
3.   Where was I self-seeking?
4.   Where was I frightened?
5.   Where was my mistake?

The Fifth Column

“In column five, we get to answer these questions specifically.

It was very important to remember that when answering these five questions in the fifth column, they were specific to the actual resentment in the second column. I was told that it was a good idea to glance back at the information in the second column before answering the five questions.

I was told to continuously remind myself that Step Four is a “fact-finding and fact-facing process.” (BB “How it Works” p 64).

The Twelve Steps for Agnostics

Several years ago, I attended a Big Book study. I wanted to see how they did it, and of course, it never hurts to go through the steps again. I was very pleased to learn that Step Four was done exactly as my sponsor showed me. Any well-established Big Book study will do it the same way as Bill illustrates it in the Big Book.

During the Big Book study, when we discussed the fifth column of Step four, the facilitators jokingly called it “the get out of jail column.” I smiled knowingly at this expression. That’s exactly how it felt for me, even as a young child, taking my first big resentments. Step four had released me from a lifetime in the solitary jail of the victim’s belief system. It had been the most torturous jail sentence you could possibly imagine. So much so, I had to medicate myself with alcohol every day just to get by.

Now, I am free and am committed to helping other alcoholics to be set free from the same jail. This is my spiritual awakening. I do not need to belong to any religion or be fearful of any judgmental or punishing God. Love and service to others are the only higher powers I need to keep me “happy, joyous and free.” (BB “The Family Afterward” p. 133)

In fellowship,

Andy F