Relationships in recovery
The scourge of instant gratification.
I was a full-blown alcoholic and addict for seventeen years. What was truly amazing was that the obsession to drink and use drugs was lifted very quickly after attending my first twelve-step group. My brain was so hard-wired by the pursuit of instant gratification that I soon began to fantasize about women at meetings.
I would become utterly obsessed with what it would be like to get sexually and romantically involved with them. The obsession with sex and love addiction quickly became stronger than my compulsion to use alcohol and drugs!
Liz, a top-gun therapist
When I was in early recovery, back in the early 1980s, it was popular for everyone in NA to have a therapist. I started off my journey in NA, and after about five years, I changed to AA. I belonged to a therapy group that met every Saturday at 10 am. There were about ten of us from AA and NA.
Liz worked in a twelve-step rehab and was well known by most people who had been to that treatment center. She was well-liked and well-respected. Being a qualified psychotherapist, people looked up to her and hung on her every word. As newcomers, we sought many of the answers we believed she could provide to help us get well. We were all so lost!
Liz drops a bombshell.
One day in the group, there was a heated discussion about our favourite topic: relationships! Everyone was having problems in this area. Either members of the group were in one and wanted out, or they were single and desperately looking for a partner. Whether single or with someone, the one thing that we all had in common was the fact that we were all uncomfortable with ourselves
After everyone had finished sharing their experiences, Liz turned to the group. She proceeded to tell us about the pathology of alcoholics and addicts. She suggested that a surprisingly high percentage of addicts and alcoholics can be found somewhere on the spectrum of a borderline personality disorder. I had read all about BPD online. It was certainly an accurate assessment of my unstable personality.
What she said next blew my mind. At least in my case, it was the story of my life since early adolescence:
“Addiction to a substance is a substitute for a relationship.”
I had always been a shy, socially awkward, and withdrawn kid. As I grew into adolescence, I had no confidence around girls at all. Liz nailed it! In a very real sense, alcohol and drugs became a substitute for a girlfriend.
My dry-drunk years in AA
I had so much prejudice and resentment against the “God” word in the steps that I refused to get a sponsor and work the steps. As far as I was concerned, a higher power was God, too. It was all some religious mumbo jumbo. I ignored my peers in recovery. They kept saying that recovery was “an inside job.” To the best of my ability, I proceeded to fix myself with sex, power, and money.
You probably won’t be surprised to hear that that approach to recovery didn’t work out too well. For the next thirteen years, I became a serial relapser. Once or twice, I almost paid the ultimate price.
“Once more: the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.”
“His defense must come from a higher power.”
BB More about alcoholism p 43
That higher power became for me sex and relationships.
Becoming teachable
Over the next thirteen years, I floundered from one toxic relationship to another, usually followed by a relapse on alcohol or drugs. Life was becoming increasingly darker and more hopeless. After so many years of sponsoring myself, my ego collapsed, and I got the Gift Of Desperation. It was then that I concluded that I couldn’t do this recovery anymore based on the very best of my old ideas.
“Some of us have tried to hold onto our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.”
BB How it Works p. 58
I was done sponsoring myself! The time had come for someone to show me the way. I asked David B for sponsorship, and with his help, I realized that there was a lot of truth in the Big Book. Despite frequent references to God, it began to make sense. David suggested that I replace God with Good Orderly Direction. That worked well for me. The truth was, I couldn’t think my way out of a paper bag without ending up in relapse sooner or later. Drunk or sober, my life was completely unmanageable. I will be forever grateful that I allowed David to manage every aspect of my life until I became well enough to make decisions for myself
First exposure to the AA literature
We went through the AA literature together. He explained that the reason why all my relationships had been so disastrous was that I was getting into them with untreated alcoholism. The twelve steps, he said, were the only remedy.
“The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”
(12&12 Step Four p.53)
It was true, I didn’t have a clue. When it came to relationships, all I created was trouble.
“We were having trouble with personal relationships.”
(BB We Agnostics p. 52)
This was the first of the eight bedevilments on page 52 of the Big Book. The rest of them were also a very accurate description of my dysfunctional life. I gradually became convinced that my addiction to alcohol and drugs was just a symptom of a much deeper disturbance. David said it was spiritual, and I began to believe him. He also said that I wouldn’t need to believe in God to recover. Step three was just a decision to carry on with the rest of the steps.
“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”
BB “How it Works” p. 64
Liz’s declaration revisited
I have now been in the fellowships for forty-one years. It’s twenty-eight years since my last relapse. I guess you could call me an old timer. After all these years in recovery, do I still agree with what Liz said all those years ago when I was a newcomer?
“Addiction to a substance is a substitute for a relationship.”
Without a doubt, when I was a shy young teenager, I became drug and alcohol dependent as a substitute for the pain, rejection, and loneliness of being unable to have a relationship. Was this also true after I had been clean and sober for a few years?
The answer is even more shocking than you might imagine. Before I got desperate enough to do the steps and undergo the “entire psychic change” (BB “The Doctor’s Opinion” p. XX1X) that the Big Book said was essential to get well, the opposite of Liz’s statement became my truth.
“Sex and relationships became a substitute for an addiction to substances.”
Driven by the powerlessness of my addiction to instant gratification, sex and relationships became just as self-destructive as my addiction to alcohol and drugs. They were just a different manifestation of the same illness, the spiritual illness of addiction or alcoholism. Whatever you call it, it’s the same illness!
I found out in my journey through the twelve steps that, as much as I am ashamed to admit it, I used women in the same way that I used drugs and alcohol. To get high using sex, and to gratify my ego.
The root of our troubles
In Chapter Five of the Big Book, Bill declares:
“Selfishness – self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles.”
BB “How it Works” p. 62
The twelve steps not only helped me to recover from substance addiction but also from sex and codependency. I found out that the driving force behind my addictive behaviors was selfishness and self-centeredness. These defects were at the heart of my spiritual illness. I used them to fill an insatiable inner emptiness. After completing the steps, I realized I could never be the same person again and continue to feel comfortable in my own skin.
As a result of working the AA program, I have found peace and enduring happiness. I am learning about love and service to others and the rewards that it brings. I have now been in the same relationship for the past ten years. As each year goes by, I love my partner more and more. It is just one of the gifts of the twelve steps. There are so many more.
In fellowship
Andy F
