Step 8

Step eight for an agnostic

Despite remaining an agnostic in AA and the fact that step eight does not mention God, this step was a game-changer in my recovery. The way this step was presented to me led to such a powerful shift in my “whole attitude and outlook on life” (9th promise of the 12 promises, p. 84, Big Book), that I have no problem calling it a non-God-centred spiritual awakening.

As I will try to describe in this blog, I walked into step eight an alcoholic with very little awareness of how my behavior affected other people, and I walked out with a sincere and honest desire to become a better human being. It was a very dramatic and life-changing experience. In my mind, it qualifies as “the vital spiritual experience” described by Dr. Carl Jung on page 27 of the Big Book. Yet, when I emerged out of the other side of the eighth step, I still did not believe in any God-like power greater than me.

‘The Doctor’s Opinion’ (AA Big Book)

The first section of the AA Big Book is called “The Doctor’s Opinion.” In it, Dr. Silkworth, the author of these letters, which he addressed to AA, makes the following statement:

“…..unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of his recovery.” (From alcoholism)

The Doctor’s Opinion p. XXIX

Dr. Silkworth mentions the importance of the “psychic change” twice more. He clearly considered the “entire psychic change” pivotal to a successful recovery.

Chapter Two ‘There is a solution’ (AA Big Book)

Then, we move on to Chapter Two of the Big Book. Bill W, the author, called this chapter ‘There is a solution.’ He describes a conversation between Roland Hazard III, an early AA pioneer, and, as already mentioned, Dr. Carl Jung, the world-famous psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and founder of analytical psychology.

In a similar way to Dr. Silkworth, Jung tells Roland H that, in his experience, alcoholics will not recover from alcoholism unless they have what he called a ‘Vital spiritual experience.’

“Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences.”

(BB p. 27)

Please note that neither Dr. Silkworth nor Dr. Jung mentions God when describing the necessity of experiencing these two life-changing phenomena during the recovery journey.

Unquestionably, what Dr. Silkworth describes as the ‘entire psychic change,’ and Dr. Carl Jung describes as the ‘vital spiritual experience,’ are relevant to my experience with step eight. I will describe what happened while I was making my step-eight list, and you can draw your own conclusions. 

Step eight in the Big Book

Before I share the method I was shown, it may be interesting to go back to the Big Book and quote Bill’s instructions for the eighth step. Remarkably, he describes the whole step in two short sentences:

“We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory.”

(BB Into Action p. 76)

Bill’s description of step eight implies that every AA member can make their list however they choose. Usually, members are shown how to do their step eight list by their sponsors, who, in turn, illustrate how they did it with their own sponsors. Since joining AA, I have seen several methods for tackling this step. I will be grateful to have been shown the method I am about to share with you for the rest of my life.

The actual eighth-step format

I have seen the method that I was shown several times. This technique even appeared when I searched for the words ‘step eight’ on Google Images. It certainly isn’t unique. The method is drawn out in three equally spaced vertical columns on an A4-sized lined writing pad or exercise book.

In the first column, I was asked to write the name of the person, place, or institution that I harmed. Then, in the second column, I had to write down the specific nature of the harm that I caused. Finally, in the third column, I had to write down how I would have felt if the same harm I caused had been inflicted on me.

The three columns of my sponsor’s eighth-step list

The victim’s belief system

In steps four through seven, I learned that the whole essence of my suffering, both as a dry and wet drunk, was a victim belief system that I developed in childhood. There was no question that at that age, I certainly was a victim of harm inflicted upon me by my primary caregivers.

Sadly, this belief system led to a miserable, defeatist outlook on life. It became increasingly ingrained as I passed out of childhood and adolescence. I don’t think I ever really made it into adulthood because of my need to keep blaming people, places, and things for my unhappiness and failure at life.

Writing the list

As I sat there at the kitchen table, one person after another went down on the list. It became clear that I harmed quite a lot of people. Most of all, of course, I injured myself. My sponsor made me aware of a powerful existential truth. “Hurt people hurt others,” but also, “what goes around comes around.”

In harming others subconsciously, I had also caused considerable harm to myself. It turned out that there were more people on the list than I realized. I wondered how I might feel if I found myself on the receiving end of how I treated people. More often than not, I was a victimizer and not a victim, as I had always seen myself.

As I wrote, tears rolled down my cheeks—this was unusual, as I rarely cried. Suddenly, I broke down completely. The floodgates of guilt, shame, and sorrow opened up. I wept like a child when I saw on paper the pain I had caused others, especially my poor wife and mother.

From the perspective of the “entire psychic change” and “vital spiritual experience,” it was a critical moment. I knew that I could never be the same person again!

The spiritual awakening aspect of the eighth step

For the first time, I connected with a part of myself that had been buried since childhood. The Big Book confirmed that this disconnection began when I took my first big resentments: “When harboring such feelings, we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit.” (BB How it Works p. 66) As I recognized this, I suddenly reconnected with my authentic self and experienced a sense of wholeness for the first time.

Building on this newfound sense of my true self, another powerful effect of this work was that I connected with empathy and compassion. Today, I know they had always been there but were concealed behind thick layers of the victim’s belief system. I had caused pain to others in complete ignorance of what I was doing. It was an attempt by a lonely alcoholic to fix the emptiness within. It never occurred to me that it was frequently at other people’s expense. The truth of the step eight list was staring me in the face.

A non-God-centered spiritual awakening

At about the same time as I was going through the program, I was attending a school of New Age spirituality in London. I will never forget one particular lecture I attended. The lecturer made a powerful statement.

“Compassion,” he said, “is a state of consciousness that contains the highest vibrational frequency in the universe.”

As a spiritual seeker, that caught my attention and resonated with me. Having just connected with empathy and compassion, I gained the confidence to recognize that, in terms of a spiritual awakening, I was on the right track. Though I remained an unbeliever in the traditional idea of a religious God, I couldn’t deny the truth of what I had just experienced.

Step eight had awakened me to a new level of self-awareness, a higher state of consciousness. I am happy to call it the “Vital spiritual experience” (BB There is a solution p. 27) that Carl Jung considered central to recovery from alcoholism.

In fellowship

Andy F