Step One – Alcoholics Anonymous
First exposure to step one
When I first got sober, I was a mass of contradictions. On the one hand, my self-image was fragile; on the other, I saw myself as bright and reasonably well educated. I mention this because believing in the power of my intelligence didn’t work when tackling the implications of step one. This step couldn’t be more straightforward.
It states:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Powerlessness
As simple as step one sounds, when I was a newcomer, I could not explain what ‘powerless’ meant. At face value, it seemed easy enough to understand. To me, however, it may as well have been Greek. The plain truth was that from the age of thirteen, I was trapped in an out-of-control cycle of addiction. I was an alcoholic waiting to happen. I was powerless from my first drink.
By the time I was eighteen, I was already a homeless person. My mother kicked me out of the house for drinking and antisocial behavior. I was so volatile and unpredictable when drunk that she was afraid to have me in the house. At that young age, I had only one agenda: to drink as much as I could, as often as I could. Escaping reality was my primary and only purpose in life.
Yet when I came to AA, something in my brain prevented me from understanding or admitting to the implications of step one.
Today, after many years of relapse in AA, I have gained an education about Step One that I hope I never forget. It taught me that when it comes to putting alcohol into my body, once I’ve picked up the first drink, I can’t stop until I am entirely drunk. Alcohol releases an obsession in my mind to get wasted and a craving in my body that condemns me to keep drinking until I pass out.
Unmanageability
It was the same with the adjective ‘unmanageable.’ I was so full of self-will when I arrived at AA that I was unable to surrender to a sponsor’s guidance. I was determined to manage my life without anyone in the fellowship telling me what to do. This attitude created a catalog of disasters that, after a long road of relapse and misery, eventually forced me to ask for help. Despite my best efforts, I achieved very little in early recovery. For over a decade, during which time I was mostly sober, I was unable to make any progress in rebuilding my life.
Yet the strange thing was that I couldn’t tell you what step one meant. I often wondered why. In hindsight, I must have been in a lot of denial about my addiction to alcohol and the crazy, chaotic lifestyle that goes with it. I earnestly believed that I could take it or leave it. In hindsight, I guess it was too humiliating to admit to myself that, with or without a drink, my life was a total mess.
The jumping-off place
I fought hard to achieve the career ambitions I believed would give me credibility in others’ eyes. I failed at pretty much everything I set my hand to. What money I did make was under the table and away from the tax man’s gaze. I also wanted to meet a woman and start a family, but it wasn’t to be. Every relationship I started was unstable and codependent. I just wasn’t mentally and emotionally well enough to create anything worthwhile. The relationships I tried were short-lived.
“The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”
(12&12 Step Four, p. 53)
“What on earth is wrong?” I thought. “I’m sober now!?” Not drinking isn’t working! So, I went into therapy to try to resolve my problems, believing my dysfunctional childhood was the problem. To my great consternation, therapy made me even worse! I was constantly angry and depressed. Even years after coming to AA, I suffered from dramatic mood swings and panic attacks. I would oscillate from fits of rage to deep depression. Bouts of self-pity would frequently paralyze me. I remained on this merry-go-round of madness for years, refusing to get a sponsor and take any suggestions.
At the time, I had so much prejudice against the “God” word that I wanted nothing to do with the steps. Moreover, I didn’t like the sponsorship idea because they represented an authority figure, which I resented. As a result, I sank deeper and deeper into despair and eventually ended up with a death wish, stone-cold sober!
“He will be at the jumping-off place; he will wish for the end.”
(BB “Vision for you” p. 152)
A moment of truth
Of all places, I surrendered in a step one meeting. They were reading the first step from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. After thirteen years in AA, just going to meetings and sponsoring myself, here I was – counting days again.
“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of providence can remove it from us.”
(12×12 Step one p. 21)
Ego collapse
At that meeting, after struggling with what I now know was untreated alcoholism, my ego finally collapsed. I knew it was all over. I had no alternative but to admit defeat. Quite simply, I had run out of all my escape routes. Sex, the illusion of power, relationships, money, and trips overseas were all just temporary fixes. Sooner or later, I returned to my default position: a sense of inner emptiness, hopelessness, and a loneliness that was hard to bear.
“No other bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol now” (after thirteen years in AA) “become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.”
(12&12 Step One p. 21)
Initially, I felt totally defeated when my eyes opened to the consequences of my best choices. Everything I touched ended in failure sooner or later. I admitted total “bankruptcy” (12&12 p. 21) in every area of my life. This resulted from the very best of my “old ideas.” (BB p. 58), a quote from Chapter Five of the Big Book. I was devastated! So much for the power of my own intelligence. It was the darkest moment of my life.
“How dark it is before the dawn!”
(BB “Bill’s story” p. 8)
Yet, twenty-nine years later, I am here to tell you that the day my ego collapsed was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Becoming teachable
I finally became teachable. With the help of a sponsor, I learned to be honest and admitted that I had been powerless over alcohol from my first drink. Moreover, despite my best efforts to be secure and in control of my life, I learned that the harder I tried to manage my life, people, and things, the more unmanageable it became. I had to let go of the illusion of control and go with the flow. Steps four to nine taught me that I couldn’t change people’s behavior towards me, but could change how I reacted. (Step Seven)
While working on step one, my sponsor pointed out why a hyphen separates powerlessness and unmanageability. He got me to see that one was the consequence of the other. They are, in fact, interchangeable.
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Very simply, my addiction to alcohol made life unmanageable, and my chaotic lifestyle made for more drinking. Step one suddenly made total sense when I looked at it in reverse. This kind of insanity was the story of my life. I’m amazed it took me so long to see it! I guess it takes what it takes. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had been honest with myself sooner.
Today, I know it was my alcoholic ego that had me fooled for so long. I believed everything it told me. My ego rendered me incapable of being honest. The truth was that I was the one who had always been the problem. It was I who had made such a mess of my life. Of course, it was easier to blame my dysfunctional childhood. Ultimately, I didn’t take step one through any personal virtue. It just happened to me after thirteen years of relapse and suffering. My crazy, alcoholic ego was left with no choice but to haul up the white flag of surrender.
I hope it doesn’t take you as long to admit step one as it did me.
Agnostics recover too
As an agnostic alcoholic, I didn’t have to believe in God to reap the enormous benefits of surrendering to the first step.
“You can, if you wish, make AA itself your higher power.”
(12&12 Step Two p. 27)
I try not to listen to “Radio Andy” anymore. After forty years in AA, I still attend regular meetings. Sometimes, the ego can still convince me that it knows best. Running things by my sponsor is always a good idea. Sponsoring newcomers has become a big part of my AA service work. It is gradually teaching me that love, humility, and tolerance neutralize the destructive power of the alcoholic ego. If only for twenty-four hours at a time.
“We are not cured of alcoholism. What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”
BB “Into Action” p.85
As an agnostic in AA, if asked, how I would define maintaining my spiritual condition, I keep it very simple; I simply say that I remain teachable to a sponsor’s suggestions, a person who is happy to work with an agnostic.
Over the years, I have come across many helpful recovery tools and step assignments to aid recovery. If you are interested, I offer a comprehensive written assignment on step one based on material similar to that used in treatment centers. It is available on page 121 of my book, The Twelve Steps for Agnostics. I hope you find it a helpful resource in your recovery.
In fellowship,
Andy F
