Step Two – Alcoholics Anonymous

Step Two – First exposure

At first glance, as an agnostic newcomer, my reaction to steps two and three was bewilderment. “What does God or some higher power have to do with not drinking?” I assumed that a higher power was just another name for God. How can some invisible supernatural power, which I didn’t even believe in, help me to stop drinking?

Right there and then, I knew that the twelve steps were not for me. Even if I wanted to, I felt unable to believe in any God. Too much bad stuff had happened to me to believe that some benevolent power was looking out for me.

Slipping and sliding in AA

I tried my absolute best to stay sober on willpower and failed. For a long time, I was unable to stop picking up that first drink. My pattern of relapse started to look like a fairground ride, moving so fast that I couldn’t get off. Eventually, I had to admit that I was powerless over alcohol. At that point, I also had to accept that, just as the AA literature suggested, I would need some power greater than myself. As a confirmed agnostic, I felt well and truly screwed! How could I enlist the help of some power that, as far as I was concerned, didn’t even exist?

Meeting David B

I was fortunate to meet David B. He was an experienced old timer who helped many AA members, including low-bottom cases and serial relapsers. Maybe he could help me? What was truly remarkable about him was that, despite being a practicing Catholic, he was happy to take on sponsees who didn’t believe in God.

I went to the Monday night meeting at Pont Street in Chelsea, where I knew I would find David. I approached him after the meeting and asked for help. I had become willing to do whatever he suggested—anything to relieve the madness in my head that condemned me to keep reaching for the first drink! After so many years in AA, sponsoring myself and ending up increasingly more hopeless*, I had finally become teachable.

*“ The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions.” (BB p. 94)

I knew of David’s reputation as a strict sponsor, but I also knew he had helped many guys turn their lives around. I would listen to their testimonies at the meeting, envying them. The time had come to hand my “will and my life” (step three) over to someone like David. I now had the Gift Of Desperation (GOD), and after more than a decade of relapse in AA, it really felt like a gift! My crazy, self-destructive ego had propelled me to the “jumping-off place” (BB p. 152).

David comes to the rescue.

I remember calling at David’s flat and saying I couldn’t believe in a higher power. He opened the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, a conference-approved piece of AA literature, and turned to page 27.

“You can, if you wish, make AA itself your higher power. Here is a very large group of people who have solved their alcohol problem.”

“Don’t worry about God or a higher power for now,” he said. “Just make AA itself your higher power.” – Group Of Drunks. (GOD)

Hearing that from David, a wise, experienced old-timer, I stopped fighting and accepted his guidance. His words made perfect sense. I no longer had to worry about finding some unseen power to succeed with the second step. More importantly, I now understand that AA itself could serve as my higher power. What made it even more powerful was that this quote on page 27 of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions came from the pen of Bill Wilson himself, AA’s co-founder. From that day forward, no religious fundamentalist in AA could try to convince me that I wouldn’t be able to get sober without God! With David’s help, my agnostic step two was now rock solid.

A simple program for complicated people

Here was a simple idea that even I, with my overly analytical mind, could accept. Up until then, as an agnostic, step two felt impossible. I couldn’t get around it or over it. For years in AA, I believed that this step was telling me that I must come to believe in God. There was no question that I was powerless over alcohol. David’s experience was a game-changer. It got me off the insane merry-go-round of relapse.

I wouldn’t have survived much longer if I hadn’t met David. Yet here I am – able to share this story with you. On that day, David saved my life. He completely demystified the second step. Talk about a simple program for complicated people!

The lights had now turned from red to green. I was able to proceed to step three. As I will share in the next blog, as an agnostic in AA, step three with David blew my mind!

The way Bill worded step two

As I read the second step, another powerful thought occurred to me. It helped demystify my previous cynical idea of what a higher power could be.

Undoubtedly, the expression “Higher Power” can be tricky for non-believers. It conjures up thoughts of an invisible supernatural force that is supposed to help alcoholics stop drinking. But how are atheists and agnostics supposed to believe that this power will help them?

After reading step two repeatedly, I suddenly had a light bulb moment: Step two doesn’t say, ‘We came to believe that a higher power could restore us to sanity.’ It says:

“We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

It occurred to me that Bill Wilson, the co-founder of AA, didn’t use the expression ‘higher power’ in the wording of the second step. He used the expression ‘power greater than ourselves.’ Let’s face it: this could mean anything. It removes any association with a God-like power. We then have a choice about how to interpret what a “power greater than ourselves” can mean for us.

Isn’t the force of a hurricane a power greater than us? Wasn’t Mike Tyson also a formidable, power greater than us? If we were unlucky enough to meet him in the boxing ring, it wouldn’t take long before we would have to admit “complete defeat.” (Step one. P 21 – Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions).

Non-theistic higher powers

In the same way, I realized that AA was full of powers greater than me. All of them helped me stop drinking and guided me toward mental and emotional stability.

Besides the power of the group, when I became willing to take a sponsor’s suggestions, they, too, became greater powers. In this way, they helped me transcend the “twisted thinking” (BB p.133) that is so common for alcoholics. Even before I started drinking, I felt unable to get a positive perspective on anything.

I was also powerless over my frequent bouts of self-pity. Writing a daily gratitude list released me from its paralyzing grip. Did not a gratitude list qualify as a greater power?

Steps four and five were nothing less than superpowers. Since childhood, I was always full of fear and anxiety. I felt paralyzed by hatred and resentment, blaming everyone for how my life turned out. These two steps set me free. They helped me let go of the past and find peace. Unquestionably, steps four and five were powers greater than me.

Bill’s genius

When Bill wrote the second step, I wondered if he knew what he was doing. You may call it semantics, but a “power greater than ourselves,” as opposed to a higher power, has made step two accessible to every alcoholic, whether they believe in God or not.

AA has taught me that, as an alcoholic, “selfishness and self-centeredness” (BB, p. 62) are the root of my troubles. Through daily surrender and a willingness to change, I am learning to live a life of love and service to others that brings with it a sense of purpose and contentment. These two qualities are the greatest among the higher powers AA taught me, and they repair and empower my once fragile self-esteem.

Becoming a sponsor has taught me to take the focus off myself, and that is powerful in overcoming self-centeredness. Love and service to others are priceless gifts, and they have given me “freedom from the bondage of self.” (BB p.63)

Without getting discouraged by the “God” word, I had to remain open-minded about the new ideas I learned through the twelve steps. AA has changed my consciousness by keeping me free from anger, fear, resentment, and blame. Before coming to AA, alcohol was the only medicine that worked to subdue them.

Definitions of negative and positive greater powers

I hope you like these two definitions. They have helped to change self-defeating behaviours and raise my consciousness to a new level. The steps themselves are positive higher powers. They helped me to identify and transcend the character defects that made life so unmanageable.

Positive higher powers are any source of new ideas based on the suggestions offered in AA. They provide practical solutions based on positive actions. These suggested actions help us to live in the solution rather than the problem. These new ideas represent solutions we have not tried before.

Negative higher powers are our “old ideas.” (BB “How it works.” p. 58) They condemn us to continue acting out and remaining in our problems. These self-defeating powers are ideas or behaviours that harm us and others. They often present a direct threat to our sobriety.

Over the years, thanks to the sponsorship I received from David B, Jamie M, and then Witek from Poland, I have put together a comprehensive written assignment on Step Two. If you are interested, it can be found on page 142 of my book, The Twelve Steps for Agnostics. I hope you find it a helpful resource in your recovery.

In fellowship

Andy F