Unconditional Love
Step Two
As an agnostic in AA, I was happy when my sponsor pointed out that step two of AA’s twelve steps refers to “a power greater than ourselves” and not a higher power. In my mind, a higher power has clear religious connotations. When this expression is capitalized, it clearly refers to a Deity or Supreme Being. A power greater than ourselves has such a broad definition that it could mean anything you want it to mean.
When writing the twelve steps, could this be why Bill Wilson used the expression “power greater than ourselves” rather than “Higher Power” in step two? He always wanted to make AA “all-inclusive,” so when writing the second step, I chose to believe that his intention was to make it accessible to everyone: atheists, agnostics, and those who believe in God.
Dr. Bob’s Farewell talk
There is no mention of God in the following all-important quote from Dr. Bob. He says that the Twelve Steps and AA, as a fellowship, fully embrace the principles of love and service to others. By this time, after many years of relapse in AA and failing in therapy, I became converted to the idea that the solution to my crazy thinking and behavior was spiritual.
“Our Twelve Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words “love” and “service.” We understand what love is, and we understand what service is. So let’s bear those two things in mind.”
A quote from Dr. Bob’s farewell talk
Love and service, if offered unconditionally to others, are essentially spiritual qualities. One doesn’t need to believe in a monotheistic God to embrace and practice these principles. All that is required is a heartfelt desire to become a better version of yourself.
Once I understood that I could use AA as a greater power and have more than one such power, I searched for other greater powers that could have meaning. I found what I was looking for in Dr. Bob’s farewell talk. It received this title because it was to be his final public address. He died three and a half months later.
The question of unconditional love
I was raised in a very dysfunctional foster family where no love was present. How could I learn anything about unconditional love when it was absent in childhood? I had no clue what love was. As I grew into adulthood and became an alcoholic and addict, the best I could come up with was a needy type of codependent love.
My best attempts at love always had a selfish and self-seeking agenda. It was the job of the hostage I took to rescue me from my inner emptiness. Everything I did in that relationship was about my needs and not about the other person. There was not even a hint of unconditional love in these relationships.
All this changed when, as an agnostic, I went through the twelve steps. After step eight, I developed a burning desire to become a better person. The following statement in the AA Big Book describes an ideal that I was now willing to work towards:
“Love and tolerance of others is our code.” (BB “Into Action” p.84)
As someone who ended up homeless, I was very wary of others, which often resulted in hostility and intolerance of others. Change has been slow and continues to be a big challenge.
Sponsorship: a challenging learning curve
Gradually, I began sponsoring people through the twelve steps. Looking back, my first attempts at sponsorship were all about my ego. To some extent, instead of offering unconditional love to my sponsees, I was using them to build up my ego and fragile self-worth.
Of course, it didn’t work. I was only happy when my sponsees behaved how I wanted them to. In fact, at times, I was controlling and demanding. I would get angry if they did not meet my expectations. Is that unconditional? Well, hardly! My ego still drove my defects, which robbed me of any lasting fulfillment of being a sponsor. Rather than seeing it as a humble act of service, it was about the admiration I sought from my sponsees.
The next frontier: emotional sobriety
Several years ago, I stumbled upon an article written by Bill Wilson in 1958. His article about emotional sobriety is my favorite of Bill’s writings. Firstly, Bill admitted to suffering from depression in recovery, which was also my experience for many years in AA.
Secondly, he confirms that it is only through offering unconditional love to those AA members who were struggling that we ever truly recover from the alcoholic illness. This is what he said:
“Suddenly, I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence – almost absolute dependence – on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression…….
…….While those words “absolute demand” may look like a gimmick; they were the ones that helped to trigger my release into my present degree of stability and quietness of mind, qualities which I am now trying to consolidate by offering love to others regardless of the return to me. – This seems to be the primary healing circuit.”
Quote from Bill W’s article. “The Next Frontier; Emotional Sobriety”
Bill convinced me that if I wanted to experience what he called “emotional sobriety,” I would have to learn how to love unconditionally. It has been and continues to be a huge learning curve. I have only made marginal progress. Unconditional love is the most complex challenge I have ever faced.
Despite remaining an agnostic, I see it as a spiritual mandate worth pursuing. I continue to make mistakes and learn from them, always with the help of those further along the path of spiritual awakening.
What is unconditional love?
I like the following definition that I found online.
“Unconditional love is love that is given without expecting anything in return. It means loving someone for who they are, regardless of their flaws or mistakes. It is a love that remains steady, even in the face of challenges or difficult circumstances.
Unconditional love is often seen as a selfless act, as it involves putting the needs and happiness of another person before your own. It can be a powerful force that can help people heal, grow, and thrive.”
If we love unconditionally, does this mean that when helping newcomers, we must take abuse from those we are trying to help? There are times when people will try to use and manipulate you. Alcoholics new to recovery can sometimes be abusive, selfish, dishonest, and downright arrogant. If I have committed to unconditional love, then I must be prepared to work with alcoholics who have nothing to give and only know how to take.
The online definition of unconditional love clearly says:
“It means loving someone for who they are, regardless of their flaws or mistakes.”
Sometimes, a newcomer without awareness of his character defects can be high maintenance. It is not always easy to extend unconditional love to AA members who are running around with untreated alcoholism.
Can anger be a part of unconditional love?
It would take a saint not to get angry with sponsees when they are belligerent and manipulative. Being a sponsor in AA and from a spiritual perspective is a big stretch. Being alcoholics themselves, sponsors don’t always react well to being used and abused. I am certainly no exception. I have always been a reactor rather than an actor. Despite being willing to transmit the program, I am only human. Sometimes anger at a sponsee is understandable, but is it unconditional love? That’s an interesting question. Can tough love be delivered without being angry?
“Restraint of tongue and pen” (12×12 Step Ten p 91)
With much help and support from mentors and oldtimers, I have received valuable advice. I am learning that unconditional love offers me several new options.
It has been suggested that I should never vent anger over a sponsee. Instead, I withdraw and share it with my sponsor or spiritual advisor. First, I need to calm down and realize that anger and spiritual growth are not necessarily incompatible. It’s all about how I deal with it.
I have learned that getting angry with sick people doesn’t help them or me. Love and tolerance are always my best teachers when dealing with toxic people. This may well be the way to unconditional love.
Another option is to walk away from the person and wish them well. Unconditional love invites me to extend that same love to myself. Sometimes, letting go of toxic newcomers, and for that matter, all toxic people, is an act of self-love.
AA’s primary purpose
The AA literature tells us that AA’s twelve steps aim to help us face and deal with our character defects. Then, we spend the rest of our sober lives trying to become helpful to others.
“Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.”
(BB “There is a solution” p.20)
I have come to believe that with the help of the humility offered in step seven, selfless love is possible whether you believe in God or not. As an agnostic in recovery, I have embraced humility as a power greater than me. If I desire freedom, it is worth striving for.
“It bought a measure of humility, which we soon discovered to be a healer of pain.”
12&12 ‘step seven’ p. 75
In conclusion, when I first got sober, and with my dysfunctional childhood, I wouldn’t have known what love was if I had fallen over it. Any service in AA held no interest for me. I didn’t want to put out the chairs at a meeting, brew the coffee, or reach out to newcomers.
With the help of the twelve steps, I have learned that extending love and service to the still-suffering alcoholic is the only way to recover from “the spiritual malady.” (BB P. 64). They are a powerful and life-giving substitute for a monotheistic God.
In fellowship,
Andy F
